Chapter 4: Raise Inclusive Kids

CHAPTER 4

DYSREGULATED BEHAVIOR

“Challenging behavior occurs when the demands and expectations being placed upon a child outstrip the skills he has to respond adaptively.”― Ross W. Greene, Lost at School: Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them

Let’s define it

            Dysregulated behavior is when a person is having a difficult time to control their emotions and how they are expressed. If you noticed, I did not say kid because I am sure everyone can think of a time where they have witnessed an adult dysregulated. Now remember how I keep talking about how much our kids learn from us and those key words to lead by example? Well, this is a huge one. When you are feeling dysregulated with your kids or surroundings, what steps do you take to regulate yourself that you can demonstrate for your own kids?

            When I am feeling overwhelmed and dysregulated, I take deep, sometimes loud, breathes. I make sure both feet are on the ground and if it is safe, I close my eyes. I have also been known to scream into a pillow, throw a pillow, and repeatedly hit a pillow onto a bed/chair/floor-whatever is around and that isn’t doing any damage.  Depending on the situation, I have some verbal affirmations to fall back on, “this age doesn’t last forever” and “what can I help them learn here” and “this is not an emergency, let’s sit down and take a break.” That last one, I have done in Target. It is ok to be dysregulated in public and take a break.

            What I am trying to say here, is that you have to find successful ways to regulate yourself, have time for yourself, and set healthy boundaries for yourself so you can continue to educate your kids on how to do all of this for themselves someday. This is also an example of breaking that dangerous cycle. You don’t earn the “right” to be a dysregulated adult, you have the opportunity now to learn to regulate yourself and teach your child better coping mechanisms than what you grew up with. Dysregulation is a normal experience for everyone but how we handle our dysregulation is what we really need to focus on.

            Before we start jumping into more strategies and resources to use to support our children with dysregulated behaviors, I also want to touch on the feeling of embarrassment. I can promise you; my kids have done things outside of our house to other kids that have made my face turn red (from anger and embarrassment). Your kid never hits and then goes to the park and hits some little kid playing happily by themselves. Or you go to the grocery store with your two kids and the tantrums are getting so bad you abandon your cart and just head home. You are at a birthday party and your child is throwing toys, yelling at kids, and screaming at the top of their lungs. All of these are examples I have personally experienced and I can tell you know, as an observer, I am NEVER thinking, “wow that child is crazy, what a bad parent.” Instead, I watch to see how the parent is going to support their child through the dysregulation. When the parent stops to comfort the child or support them, however they need, I feel better too. As I said in the last chapter, big emotions cause our flight or fight mode to activate. Knowing someone is there to support the dysregulation, instantly calms me down. Stop feeling embarrassed that your kid is dysregulated in stores, playgrounds, birthday parties, or wherever. Life is filled with spontaneous behaviors from other’s that we can’t control, but we can control how we handle the situation, which might be leaving the situation. If we see our kid dysregulated and don’t support them, we aren’t teaching them how to regulate themselves.

            If anyone looks at you in a judgmental way, feel free to hand them an extra copy of this book as you should always have a second one on hand. If you were gifted this book, WE ARE DOING THE BEST WE CAN!! IF YOU AREN’T HERE TO SUPPORT ME THAN WALK AWAY!!! Whew, glad I got that off my chest. Bottom line, we are all doing the best we can and we all get dysregulated throughout the day. I know you are doing the best you can and you are awesome.

Dysregulated Behaviors Should Not be a Barrier to Inclusive Practices

            I had a student who was in the process of increasing time in the general education classroom. One day, when he got to the class, he became extremely dysregulated and none of us could figure out why. The aide tried to support him, I tried to support him, and the general education teacher. My student hid behind the backpacks and cried loudly until his 20 minutes in the room was up (which was kind of cute that even through feeling dysregulated, he had the goal to stay in the room even though we told him we could leave). We decided to continue with math groups and just stay near him for support.

            Once his 20 minutes was done, he got up and left. The general education teacher then asked her math group if they wanted her to go over the lesson again as the noise might have been distracting. And all of the kids looked at her blankly and said, “what noise?” The student who was feeling big emotions was not a concern to anyone but the staff trying to support him. Once he was regulated, we told him that if he needs to take a break from work that he can sign “break.” But whatever happened that day never happened again. So, we aren’t entirely sure why that transition was so tough for him but we saw that kids adapted to the noise level change without even noticing it. These were kids that were used to their peers who communicated through more physical or loud behaviors in the classroom but quickly shown how positive an inclusive setting can be. I also want to be clear that no one was in danger during this dysregulation. I am not oblivious to the fact that dysregulated behaviors might require a room evacuation. But understanding where dysregulation comes from, educating kids about dysregulation, can go a long way (which we will get into more in the next chapter).

            Quick reminder, all behavior is communication, I want to share a story with you about a student of mine who showed us how he was feeling a lot of frustrations and it took us weeks to figure out why. He would come into the classroom yelling, poking his eye, hitting his head, and would hang upside down on a table and then flip over. After a while, it looked like he was in pain. I eventually asked the parents if he had been to the dentist. Knowing his favorite foods and seeing the repetitive hitting on his mouth and head, and having plenty of cavities myself, I suggested a dentist appointment to check his teeth for cavities. He did require getting multiple teeth pulled, a diet change, and really encouraging more dental hygiene, but he came back so much happier! This was a student who didn’t have a way to tell us what was hurting and through his behaviors we were able to figure it out. Sometimes the behavior is communicating something that might be internal.

Check out the rest of Part 1 on Ko-Fi here!