Chapter 2: Raise Inclusive Kids

CHAPTER 2

EDUCATE YOURSELF

“Sighted or blind, Deaf or hearing, each of us holds just the tiniest fraction of the world's wisdom. Admitting we don't know everything will aid us on this Trek for Knowledge.”

Haben Girma, Haben: The Deafblind Woman Who Conquered Law School

            Right now, tell yourself, “I am forever learning.” We will never know everything about anything because ideas are always changing and there is always a next step. Instead of getting overwhelmed with this thought, channel it into how you are going to raise your kids! As Taylor Swift said, and I strongly agree with, “Learning is fun!” Where do you think your children have the best chance of loving learning? You guessed it, YOU! Keep learning and learn with your children or whoever is in your family, whoever you talk to regularly, whoever is in your community. We want to raise inclusive kids who think about each other, who help each other out, and who can empathize with each other. Doing that, we have to accept some basic understanding of each other. Recognize who is in your community and think of marginalized groups that you know nothing about, whether it be people with disabilities, people with a different race or culture from yours, religious beliefs different from yours, and families that may look different from yours. This is where we start.

            Educating yourself is giving you a basic understanding about something you might know nothing about. This step will never be done! You just need to start now and continue to have an opened mine that is allowed to change. Educating yourself will give you answers to tough questions, but always feel free to respond to your kid’s questions with, “I don’t know, what do you think?” Which can lead to some great discussions or follow up questions. I also love responding with, “Hmm, I don’t know, maybe next time we go to the library, we should check out a book about [insert whatever marginalized group your child is curious about].”

            When you lead by example and show your child that you still have lots to learn, they will hold on to that lesson loud and clear. The people that I recognize as my mentors in my field, are professors and specialists who were never afraid to say, “What does that mean?” They were the first to ask for clarification and were never afraid to admit they didn’t know something. I think at some point in our lives, we ask a question and when the response is, “What?!?! You don’t know what [random word] means?! Oh, my gosh! Seriously?? You’re so smart! How do you not know what [basically imaginary word] means???!!!!” And if you already forgot my slay response above, “No I don’t, would you like to continue making me feel bad before telling me what it means?” Insert eye roll here please. Bottom line, we are forever learners. As Adam Grant (yes, I am a fangirl of his work) said in his phenomenal book, Think Again, “When you are wrong, you are closer to being right.” Doesn’t that make being wrong so much more fun?

Effortlessly Learning All the Time

            Thankfully we now live in a world where we have all the information at our fingertips. Very small children might not remember all the questions they had throughout the day and I am definitely not recommending you take out your phone for every question and do a Google search together. But you can quickly type big questions in your notes app or text it to yourself and explain to your child that you can look up the information once you are home, or find a book, TV show, or movie representing the population your child is questioning you about.

            A great way to educate yourself is to stay aware of different awareness days or months or holidays being celebrated even if you don’t celebrate it. And feel free to start with ones you know more about. Never feel bad about starting small, every step should be viewed as a success. For example, maybe you celebrate Christmas but you know that Hanukkah is celebrated around that time. I am not saying celebrate 8 days of Hanukkah, but having some form of representation to educate your family on the practice can be very educational for everyone. Bed time or nap time is a great time for reading and there are so many phenomenal children’s books out there that you can buy or borrow from the library to educate everyone. If you already checked out my inclusive library above, you have probably seen some of the Hanukkah books there. Fun stories, educational about a different holiday, and this also shows your children the importance of having a basic understanding of people who are different from you and that is it ok.

            Educating yourself and your kids starts inside the home. At home, you are in more control of the situation, the people, the toys, the entertainment. This is when you can introduce new books, new movies, and new toys that have a variety of representation. I strongly suggest making sure your child has toys, watches movies and shows, and reads books with characters that don’t look like them. This will also prepare you for questions they might ask and it can give you a safe place to ask and answer their questions and encourage them to reflect or and think critically about people’s differences.

            I recently had a conversation with a friend where I told her I didn’t like when people said my kids are “well-behaved.” I was telling her that I am not trying to raise “well-behaved” kids; I am trying to raise kids who question ideas they disagree with, stand up for each other, and listen to their gut and say no if they don’t feel comfortable. My friend told me that I can have both. My kids can be “well-behaved” and critical thinkers. One doesn’t cancel the other one out. She also said that they are “well-behaved” because I have taught them to be respectful and set healthy boundaries and educated them on social rules. When I reflected on that, I started to agree. I do prepare my kids for a variety of situations, communication challenges, and outings by educating them on the process. We talk about the expectations, what they can say if they need a break or don’t feel comfortable, and how I can best support them to enjoy the situation as well. I looked back at this conversation as me not feeling comfortable with what “well-behaved” meant to me, which was obedient, but hearing her definition and reasoning confirmed how important it was educating my kids at home. How much other people noticed the work we have done together in our house and how beneficial it was. Creating educational moments at home with toys or books with representation that looks different from them, you are helping them practice situations that will inevitable happen outside of the home.

Educate Yourself in front of Them

            We live in a time where people with disabilities are more visible. Woo! Celebrate that win! Another way I educate myself and lead by example for my children is with Peloton. Peloton is a work out company that virtually streams your workout teacher into your bedroom when you want to get in a quick 10-minute yoga sesh, they have a variety of workouts, bootcamp, strength training, treadmill workouts, etc. One of their Peloton instructors, Logan, has a limb difference. He doesn’t have half of one of his arms. He leads a lot of tough classes and is a great example of disability representation in the home. When I work out with my children nearby and I am doing one of his classes, usually my 3-year-old will ask me, “where is his arm?” Being in the field, I was expecting this question and responded casually saying, “It looks like he has one arm.” She will sometimes ask further questions, “where did it go?” or “why do I have two?” and my responses change based on the questions but they are honest and simple. “There are different reasons why people might have only one arm. How many do you have?” and I always make sure to ask, “Do you think he still likes to play?” or “Can I still workout and learn from him even though I have two arms? YES!”

            These conversations don’t always go as well. She has made comments that she doesn’t want me to work out with him because he has one arm. But I don’t make her feel bad for thinking that. It is different from what she normally sees and that can be confusing. Instead, we talk about how I really like working out with him and I like to point out our differences, maybe it’s hair length, skin color, or freckles. People want to be seen and these qualities are part of our identities. Don’t ever shush your child or tell them the question was mean. Educate them on how to ask questions and on appropriate times to ask questions. We will talk more about language in Chapter 7.

            If you are reading this book, whether your child has a disability or not, you are already taking that big, beautiful inclusive step to educating yourself and your family which can only lead to a more inclusive world. Educating yourself and your children gives you the ability to continue these conversations with other people in your community. What I have learned from people who don’t understand inclusion, is that people fear what they don’t know. Educating ourselves can make us feel confident in our responses, our questions, and can further discussions. Educating ourselves can help us become critical thinkers. When people are shut off from having conversations with others, they are choosing not to learn and they are not accepting more differences into this beautiful world! Educating yourself will never harm you and can maybe even give you the answers you didn’t even know you were looking for.

            Educating yourself also means understanding the biases and different perspectives others might have. You might not agree with them, but you can learn from them. I have had ongoing conversations with people online who disagree with me and so many of them have had a bad experience in education or in an inclusive setting that deterred them away from living that inclusive life. Usually when we have a civil conversation about the topics and language (a fickle one she is), we can come to an understanding.

Educating your family leads to educational moments you might not have ever even envisioned could happen. I overheard my 3-year-old talking to my mom while they were reading a book. There was a character using a wheelchair and my daughter said, “Grandma, she’s in a wheelchair! Can she still play? YES!” It’s like leading by example and educating yourself coming together to make this beautiful conversation starter.

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Inclusion Starts with you and I just want to help!

Kayla Co