Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1     

LEAD BY EXAMPLE

“Change often starts with the smallest of whispers. Like-minded people building it up to a roar.”

T.J. Klune the author of The House in the Cerulean Sea

Culture 101

            When I talk about culture, I am going to use the words of my favorite social scientist, Adam Grant, in his most recent book Hidden Potential he breaks down culture into 3 sections, practices, values, and underlying assumptions. Practices are your daily routines that reflect and reinforce values. Values are shared principles around what is important and desirable. Underlying assumptions are deeply held beliefs of how the world works. You can’t Raise Inclusive Kids if you aren’t actively trying to live an inclusive life as well. You are the adult who is going to have the biggest impact on your kid’s values. As someone in their mid-30’s who hasn’t lived with their parents since I was 17 (September birthday), I do things every day because of them. Things I love and don’t love, it’s inevitable. Learn to embrace it. If I want my children to not have screen time, then I shouldn’t be telling them to explore the backyard while I doom scroll on my phone. The practices, values, and assumptions you have are something your kids see everyday. This is their familiar culture that they will continue to grow from. 

            Every family, every school, every community has their own culture. That is one of the most challenging, yet most exciting things I get to navigate as an inclusion specialist. When I get hired by a school, I am coming in as an outsider. I am not a consistent part of their community. I don’t go to school every day with the students, work beside the teachers, or live with the families. When I first start working with a new community, we sit down and write out their community’s culture, values, and goals.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1.     How would you describe the community of peers at your school? Teachers? Staff?

2.     Write down 3-5 words to describe the culture in your community.

3.     What is the school’s mission? Do you feel like your school adheres to that?

4.     In a perfect world, what would be the dream scenario for this school? Now what is the next step to get there?

5.     Are people genuinely happy at work? What would make you happy at work?

Why is this important when trying to Raise Inclusive Kids? Here’s why! Does it make sense to tell your child to “stop crying!” when you need to sit in the bathroom and cry it out? If your child says, “I don’t want to play with Max!” does it make sense for you to respond with “that’s not nice, don’t say that,” while you try to ghost* someone who isn’t getting the hint? And does it make sense to tell your child to stop hitting when you go to kickboxing or HIIT (High Intensity Interval Trainings) 3 times a week to get your anger out? We all have emotions that we learn to navigate. We all communicate in different ways with different people based on our own experience practicing communicating. And we all come from different backgrounds, have different expectations and biases, and different support systems to improve our quality of life or to feel successful or happy. 

            Having a culture where you practice communicating with each other respectfully, feeling big emotions safely, and finding ways to support each other’s needs without worrying if it is “fair,” is the way I have been raising my kids and will forever raise my kids. I have already seen amazing results with my little ones. I wish people could see the results for themselves.

            One day, at the playground, I was there with my two kids, and there was an autistic kid playing near us. I assumed she was autistic as a lot of her mannerisms and ways she responded to the world were very consistent with my former students. At one point she screamed loudly, jumped up and down, and started stimming by flapping her hands. The scream startled my 3-year-old and she stopped what she was doing to observe the other child. After a few beats, my child looked at me and said, “Oh! Mom, that scared me but I think she’s happy!” And then continued to play. Eventually, the two kids parallel played, with minimal eye contact/observing each other and they both seemed very happy to do so. When we go to parks, I try not to intervene with how my kids communicate and play, unless things are getting physical. When my child said that sentence to me, not only was I slightly shocked, but I said “Yeah, she does look happy.” Her disability didn’t make me force them to play together, and we didn’t even talk about her behaviors afterwards. If conversation comes up about different ways of communicating, we talk about it, but raising inclusive kids means learning about the different ways we communicate, learn, and play and accept is as a way to communicate, learn, and play.

Everyone's an Influencer

            In a world where everyone is an influencer, embrace it and be one for your kids. We humans are heavily influenced, and it works, or we wouldn’t have full closets and full online shopping carts (or am I the only one?). Let’s talk about the Asch experiment, where they were studying conformity. This study was testing how easily swayed we humans are. Scientists had a group of actors prepared to answer simple questions wrongly, out loud, and the scientists were studying how the one person who wasn’t an actor would respond. The results were astounding. Nearly 75% of the participants in this experiment would say the wrong answer to go along with the group at least once. And the more actors in the experiment sayid the wrong answer, the higher chance the non-actor would go with the group and agree with the wrong answer. Now why did they agree with them? In my opinion, multiple reasons; they could have been trying to show some support for them, they were easily convinced by the actor’s reasoning, or maybe that actor was the encouragement they needed to respond that way to the question. What this study also proves, is that who we surround ourselves with, can make a noticeable difference in how we behave.

            When I say, “lead by example,” I do mean be the person you want your children to be. Get extremely angry at something and go punch a pillow. Vent about someone at work and then say something constructive about the situation. Read books and watch shows that represent people who don’t look like you. Our children are learning how to respond to their feelings and behaviors by watching us handle ours. This doesn’t mean that you will always perfectly handle a situation. And that’s fine! No one handles every situation perfectly, so enjoy those imperfect moments and show your child healthy ways to be mad, sad, and at your wit’s end. Show them how to take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Those overwhelming moments happen and the best way out is by embracing your vulnerability.

I will practice vulnerability by sharing a moment I personally went through. We were packing for a trip and I try very hard to include the kids in this process and they clearly wanted nothing to do with it. As we were taking our time picking out their favorite shirts and shorts and sweaters, one kid kept throwing toys across the room and the other kept taking things out of the suitcases every time I turned my back. When my coffee spilt after I abruptly turned, I lost it. I screamed, I turned to our comfy nursery chair that I refuse to ever get rid of, grabbed the pillow on top of it and slammed it onto the chair 4 or 5 times. So hard, I tweaked my shoulder. Both of my kids stopped and just stared at me like I just grew a monkey tail out of my ear.

            It was not my proudest parenting moment. But I am proud I didn’t choose to hit my kids or scream at them or break my coffee mug. I chose to get my anger out in a way that was almost safe for everyone (minus my shoulder). I then took some deep breaths and said to myself, “why are you making this a big deal? We aren’t heading to the airport now. Just play with your kids and try again later.” I also talked to my kids about it afterwards. I put the pillow down and told them, “I’m sorry if my screaming scared you, mama was really frustrated. I am trying to pack for our trip and I really want you to pack your stuff with me. Let’s take a break and play and try again later.” Now, if there was a recording of this moment, it probably wasn’t as beautifully put as that BUT I can promise you, we talked about this dysregulated behavior of mine for a while. At times when they were feeling frustrated and hit, we would redirect and talk about how important it is to feel our anger in safe ways. This takes practice and vulnerability, but I am not here to compete with Brené Brown, so let’s dive into the practice of leading by example.

It is important for the main adults in your children’s lives and the community that your child is interacting with the most, is a community you are proud of. This is where they are picking up the majority of their behaviors and values. If there is a person active in your life right now that makes you cringe every time something leaves their mouth, I have two options for you.  

1.     See less of them. Maybe they are a friend that comes over right after bed time for you to catch up. Maybe you make sure there is another person to play with the kids when they come over. Or maybe they are just someone you make alone time for out of the house. When you become a parent, your values can change. You most likely aren’t acting the same way you did a decade ago and unfortunately sometimes people do fade in and out of our lives. BUT if you totally disagree with this option, then step on over to door number two and

2.     Set clear boundaries. Are the jokes this person making inappropriate? Are they talking negatively about someone or something important to you or the kids? Are they encouraging bad behavior? Let them know. And when you do, you need to be clear and thoughtful when having this conversation. It could sound like, “Hey, we love having you over, but it makes me uncomfortable when you talk about your one-night-stands in front of the kids. Let’s leave those conversations for when the two of us hang out.” If this paragraph blew your mind and you realized you have no idea how to set boundaries, I highly recommend, Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. We will talk more about boundaries with our children in Chapter 5.

Unfortunately, you will never be able to control every other person that will enter your children’s lives. Which is even a bigger motivator to lead by example for your children. You are the person that your children look up to and observe all the time. Children watch you turn on the TV, make breakfast, talk to your partner, respond to social situations. You might not be purposely trying to teach them a lesson but they are sponges that are soaking you all up.

An outdated rule I realized I couldn’t tell my children was to “not talk to strangers” because every place we went outside of our home, I was talking to strangers. I was sharing my phone number, telling moms at the park where we moved from, and talking to anyone who would talk to me. As an extrovert and a hybrid stay-at-home mom, I craved those adult conversations. Because of this, I knew I had to rethink how I can teach my kids to be safe around strangers. We made rules such as, whoever you come into the store with is the person you leave with. If you go in the store with mom, you leave with mom, unless mom says you can leave with someone else (like papa or grandma etc.). If you want to talk to strangers, that is fine! If you don’t, that is fine! If you need help, mama or papa are always here and you can stop the conversation whenever you want. I am very aware my children are little. They do not leave my sight in stores or at parks or even at libraries, but these rules are important to work on as soon as possible to keep strengthening those neural pathways on rules we are creating together. 

This rule also starts teaching them how to listen to their gut. If I am talking to someone and they try to initiate a conversation with my kids but my kids are not having it, I respect their decision. In the moment it will sound like, “do you want to say hi? No? That’s fine!” I never pressure my kids into conversations or activities they don’t feel comfortable with. Giving your kids the opportunity to say no is building a trusted relationship that is key to raising and educating kids.

            One of the best pieces of relationship advice I ever got was on some BuzzFeed article years ago that I can’t even find today. But the advice was something I took to heart. Marry someone you would want your future children to grow up to be. Wow. This was mind blowing to me. Not like any of my ex’s were bad people, but some of them, I would not want my children to be like (do I have too high of expectations? I am going to say no, probably not.. ok maybe a little). Leading by example means be the person you want your children to be and your partner should be on board here too. My partner and I have a few rules that we have implemented since having kids and each rule has been beneficial to us when Raising Inclusive Kids.

Rule #1

Don’t talk negatively about someone unless you can say something positive or constructive.

Rule #2

Actively learn in front of your kids by reading or having discussions of big (age-appropriate) topics.

Rule #3

Don’t talk about strangers who can’t hear you (for example, in the car or at home behind closed doors) in a disrespectful way.

These rules are a few practices we started noticing were affecting the way we viewed people in our community and not in a helpful way. It took my partner and me time to come up with these rules, implement these rules, and adjust these rules. Having an open conversation with your partner about how you want to raise your kids should be ongoing. You two are a team and need each other! Having a relationship where you can openly communicate will also be so beneficial to your kids. If you’re reading this book, I realize you probably already are partnered up with someone, but these rules and buzzfeed advice are something I continue to think about when raising my kids.

You can read the rest of chapter 1 on Ko-Fi.

New chapter sections will come out on Thursday's!

Inclusion starts with you and I just want to help.