Chapter 3: Raise Inclusive Kids
- Kayla Coburn
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
CHAPTER 3
BIG EMOTIONS
“As children develop, their brains "mirror" their parent's brain. In other words, the parent's own growth and development, or lack of those, impact the child's brain. As parents become more aware and emotionally healthy, their children reap the rewards and move toward health as well.”
― Daniel J. Siegel & Tine Payne Bryson,
When you first meet your baby, they are already communicating their needs. We have learned over time that a crying baby is communicating they are hungry, tired, need to be held or a new diaper. When our baby cries the goal is to get the baby to stop crying. Why? Crying is telling our own brains that our baby is hurting or uncomfortable, and that can feel overwhelming. You are in this fight or flight mode sporadically thoughout the day by trying to give your baby everything you can and the desire for them to feel safe and content. Crying can feel dysregulating for the person trying to figure out what the baby wants and the first step is to recognize that crying (as is all behaviors) is communication.
“Behavior is communication” is a sentence that gets thrown around and debated a lot in the educational world. Let me explain what I mean by behavior is communication. I mean that we all behave off of a mix of what is happening to us internally and the unpredictable behavior happening externally that is out of our control. No one will ever be able to look at us at all times and understand exactly why we are behaving the way that we are. There are too many factors. However, when you accept that all behavior is communication, you can start noticing patterns, when something is askew, or if something is happening personally at a deeper level. The challenge with this statement, is that behavior can also be coming from an internal struggle that you can’t control or change (like puberty-but we will talk about that in our sex education chapter). Just because the behavior is communicating something, doesn’t mean you have a way to fix it. But we do have a way to support a child through it.
Since having two kids, I have started to realize why I am so exhausted at the end of the day. It’s because I get put into this fight or flight mode so frequently countless times per day. I am sure that’s how my kids are feeling too but then they go to sleep for 10-12 hours and their adrenals (stress hormones that help the body respond to changes in the environment) get replenished and they get the rest we all so desperately need. But let’s talk more about this fight or flight mode. If we notice there is something dangerous approaching, our body responds by sending an alert to our brain by trying to quickly figure out if we should stay and fight or get out of there as fast as we can. If you are reading this book, I can assume we might have this trait in common, but I would fight a bear (or a man) to the death for my kids without a second thought. So, when I hear them crying or screaming, my initial response is to fight and, especially when I can’t see them, if I get to the screaming child and they are upset their ice cream fell onto the floor, I just waisted valuable energy and brain power for nothing but still deal with the fatigue afterwards.
Recognizing that we, as the parent, is going through this while also answering the never-ending kid questions, while keeping them alive, prepping food, cleaning the house, having time with your partner, family, and friends, having a job, and trying to find time for self-care, is a lot. You can’t support your kids if you are not supporting yourself. You need to recognize what triggers you emotionally before (and during) your kid’s dysregulation. Sometimes when my kids are exhausting my adrenal glands, I will talk to them about the stress I am feeling too. Which is really the same lesson for every section of this book but it is to lead by example.
We all have big emotions and non-verbal ways to communicate them
I will sound like a broken record at the end of this book, but kids learn so much from us and it usually isn’t what we actively try to teach them, it is how we respond to dilemmas in front of them. The worst thing you can do is to send your kid away when they are feeling a big emotion to get them to stop. But that also means, you need to show your big emotions so they can understand that we all have them and can find healthy ways to feel our big emotions. When I am feeling overwhelmed by my kids, I will talk it out with my kids. I have responded to wining by saying something like, “I hear that you’re upset but your wining is hard to listen to. I am feeling overwhelmed, can you please tell me what you want so I can help you.” It doesn’t always sound that nice, but being as honest as I can about my emotions has already shown to be extremely beneficial for my kids.
My 3-year-old has gone up to people who have played too rough with her and told them that she didn’t like playing that way. My 2-year-old can even show me how he is feeling with facial expressions when he is upset with something. This is another lesson of educating our kids on big emotions, we don’t always have the verbal ability to explain how we are feeling or why we are responding this way. Practicing explaining how we feel out loud to our kids is an educational moment for them and teaches them stronger coping skills when they are feeling big emotions.
For example, we have been having a challenge at home with my 3-year-old that when she gets upset over the slightest inconvenience, she screams and cries really loud. Sometimes I respond calmly and walk her through a better way of communicating her needs but sometimes I snap. When I do snap, I remind her that when she screams and cries my body reacts as if she is physically hurt. My heart races, my body goes tight, and I am focusing in on her surroundings wondering what hurt my baby. This is an awesome response when she is actually hurt, but if it is from her younger brother taking something she was playing with an hour ago that she left on the couch, it can be exhausting. And I explain this to her and then we try again. We take the time for her to come up with a better way to communicate her needs. Even typing this paragraph is giving me anxiety. It’s real folks.
There is not one magical practice to stop big emotions but there are plenty of ways we can educate our kids on how to feel these big emotions safely. This knowledge can also help our kids when they see big emotions from other kids at the park or during a playdate. They are also growing their tool kit with strategies on how to support someone else’s big feelings or how their friend’s emotions are making them feel.
This is also one of the biggest barriers for including students with disabilities. Behaviors. The mindset shift we need to make here is to remind ourselves how this chapter began, that behavior is communication. Always. It might not be clear communication. Maybe there is a behavior because someone didn’t like breakfast that morning so they didn’t eat and now they are hungry with no way of communicating they need food. When we educate ourselves and our children on big emotions, we are also teaching them how to read other’s facial expressions, body movements, and other non-verbal behaviors which creates more empathetic children.
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Inclusion Starts with you and I just want to help!
Kayla Co
