Get my kids listening to me!

Girl. I hear ya! Kids have so many other things going on in that brain of theirs that they do not want to listen to their parent constantly talking at them. But as a former special education teacher and now parent of 2 (soon to be more!!), I can tell you, how kid's receptive language actually works, what expectations you should have, and how to get them to listen to you (most of the time).

First off, receptive language, the ability to understand language.

For children ages 3-5, according to a study by Rollins College, they can understand max 124 words per minute. Which is what Mr. Rogers spoke at. Listen here.

Practice right now. Talking slower. A lot of times when we are talking to our kids, we are talking too fast. When we talk that fast, our kids are trying to recognize and define each word and then interpret it into a sentence they understand.

Think about how many times you have said, "Hey! Come clean up your mess and then get your shoes on, we have to go!" And the child might look up at you, consider it, maybe even get up and attempt to start, but then sit back down and keep playing. You are doing a million things at once and look over and notice our child hasn't done anything. UGH! You say it again, mayb even try to throw in an incentive, "Hey! If you want a cookie, clean up and get your shoes on! Come on!" At this point, maybe the child heard cookie and did try harder to understand. Maybe they stood up and started walking to their shoes forgetting to clean up. And then you are at your wits end and you yell louder but slower, "CLEAN. UP. AND. GET. YOUR. SHOES."The child, now getting the requests slower, is thinking, "oh, gotch ya. Clean and shoes. Wait, what was that about a cookie?"

It can be hard being the caregiver trying to get everything ready and then your child doesn't seem to be listening to you at all. But slowing down is the first step you can make towards communication to help support your child so they can understand you better.

If your child has a processing disorder or communication challenge, you might need to find other ways to help them with receptive language. Adding a visual schedule to their morning routine, out of the house routine, or bedtime routine can help with processing. Using tactile cues or Sign Language can support kids receptive language. We will break down for tips at the end. But before we get to that..

Let's talk about realistic expectations.

Our kids start learning and we start giving them more commands and responsibilities and our expectations start increasing fast. But what we need to do is remind ourselves, they are still kids. They will have behaviors, be dysregulated, and struggle to communicate their needs. How many adults still have these challenges??

When you are struggling to communicate with your child, the first thing you need to do, is stop, drop, and roll. I use this strategy for dysregulated behavior and did a whole blog post about that too that you can read here. But the same practice can help when communicating clear and realistic expectations towards your child. When you are communicating to your kids, or students, and they don't seem to be listening, stop. Stop giving demands before you get frustrated. Stop and regulate yourself before you take it out on others. Stop and reflect, why is it so important for them to hear you right now.

When you feel ready to talk to your kids, go over to them and drop down to their eye level (this does not mean they have to look at you). Slow down your speech and make it clear what you want them to do and maybe even throw in a "why" you are asking them. Personally, I love reflection questions here for the child. I ask my kids all the time, "why do you think mama is trying to get you to put your shoes on?"

Whenever I am sitting their struggling to get my two small kids to listen to me or a classroom of students to listen to me, I remind myself that they don't care about MY goals. They want to keep playing and do what they want to do. Who doesn't?? Kids aren't trying to be rude or cruel because they aren't listening to your commands, they just want to play. But that doesn't mean they always get to.

I do think it is important to find plenty of time for kids to be kids and let them play, get dirty, be loud, etc. But there are also responsibilities and tasks that we have to do. Communicating clear expectations to your kids AND you having realistic expectations for them, can be hard to find. It is on a spectrum that is constantly moving.

Is the child having a hard day today? Are you sick and not feeling well? Is someone fun coming into town to visit? So many outside factors play a roll in what we are all capable of doing, and practicing the ability to empathize with each other's behavior takes practice and compromise for both parties. I have had to tell my kids plenty of times, "hey, mama is pretty sick and I don't have the energy to play with you like we usually do. I can set up an art activity or I can watch you play on your scooters, but I cannot play with you right now."

This can also help when your kids are feeling lethargic and you can connect them to that time you were feeling sick to help them empathize with how you were feeling and how we all take turns being sick or tired and there are ways to support each other through all of these emotions.

An expectation we have in our house, is that when I ask "Kayla, are you ok?" my children HAVE to say "yes" or "here." I do give them time to independently play in their room or upstairs while I am downstairs. But when I hear a loud fall and no crying, my mom brain panics. If they don't answer my question, then they lose their independent play and have to play where I can see them. An appropriate consequence in my book.

Now if you are concerned your child isn't meeting milestones or really just does not listen to you, here are my favorite teacher strategies that I brought back to my home with my kids and they work most of the time. For the times they don't, I stop and reflect on what is happening. Maybe even set a one minute timer for myself to breathe and try again. Here are my official

Tips that work.

As I said above, the first step is to slow down. In a world where everything is feeling like go go go, now is the time we need to work on slowing down. Channel your inner Mr. Rogers or Ms. Rachel and slow down your verbal communication to your child. After giving them a command or request, stop talking and wait. My favorite technique here is to count to 10 in my head. It takes kids time to hear the information, interpret the information, then perform the task.

Next, singing. When my kids aren't listening to me, I start singing what I want them to hear. It could be there name, it could be the tune to a favorite song of theirs, whatever! It makes it fun and now they are hearing something that is sparking an interest for them, plus it is making parenting/teaching more fun for you. Which is always an added bonus. So many teachers have good morning songs, clean up songs, and goodbye songs. Why? Because kids love music! It is catchy and it is giving them a cue of what is to come.

As I said above, dropping down to their eye level can also be very helpful for the child to know that it is time to pay attention to what you are saying. But even though I am suggesting you get down to their eye level, you SHOULD NOT EVER REQUIRE EYE CONTACT! Kids (and adults) can still hear you even if they aren't looking at you. Sometimes I ask my kids, "can you hear me?" To make sure they're listening.

Now all communication does not and should not be verbal. Kids thrive on non-verbal communication. We use facial expressions, body movement, grunts, behaviors, visual schedules and touch cues to communicate as well. If you exhausted from communicating verbally, start adding visual schedules around the house. Make that a part of your daily routine.

Click the image below for a free visual schedule!

Other ways we communicate successfully in our house and in my classrooms, are through touch cues, tactile cues, and American Sign Language. Touch cues/tactile cues can be me pointing to the chair and showing them where to sit so I can help put on their shoes, offer to hold their hand to lead them to the table to eat, or tapping their shoulder or elbow if I am trying to help them pick something up or sit down, etc. I use tactile cues could be helping them navigate something that is non-preferred or too challenging for them. Is cleaning up something that your child struggles with? I will sit down with them and remind them what muscles to use to move the toys into the bucket, of course I am singing here too.

Lastly, baby sign language should just continue forever. Having those visual cues of "all done" or "more" can be helpful forever. What I also love about sign language, is that a child can be so mad and not wanting to verbally communicate, and the sign for "all done" can feel good doing while expressing their point. You should be accepting ALL forms of communication from our children/students.

Getting kids to listen can be frustrating at times. Parents and teachers have a lot to manage and it is SO EASY to get overwhelmed in the process. Understanding kids ability to listen, making clear expectations with our children, and using multiple modes of communication can really help support our kids to become great communicators!!

What other ways do you communicate with your kids? What did I miss?

Kayla Co

@inclusionstartsnow

Inclusion starts with you and I just want to help.