Discipline Isn’t the Answer—Boundaries Are

I tested positive for covid last week and was stuck in bed for 2 days with an insane migraine. To try to distract myself, I put on TV while I swallowed down pain relievers and held my head in the dark. Once I started feeling better, around Season 3 of The Last Man on Earth, I had one of those "all the stars align moment" but with ideas in my head. I promise this will all come together.

Quick summary of The Last Man on Earth, it is a comedy series about a virus that breaks out and kills almost everyone except for a very small group of people who are randomly immune to the virus. The series is about people finding each other and trying to figure out what they are going to do. It definitely had me laughing into a coughing fit a couple of times but I really came to in Season 3 when they happened upon a child.

Now I know this is a comedic show but when they find a child in this post-apocalyptic world the conversations they have on how to raise the child I think are a little too realistic into what is happening in our world right now. Specifically in education. Even more specifically, with discipline.

President Trump's new executive order states that he wants to "restore safety and order in American classrooms by ensuring school discipline policies are based on objective behavior, not DEI." Dismissing the studies that prove children of color and/or with disabilities get treated unfairly by people's embedded biases AND the proof that these biases can funnel students through the school to prison pipeline. Plus, the administration continues to dismiss the importance of DEI and focusing on "discipline" in our schools. You can find more information on the White House's website, and try not to feel frustrated by the added language, like "discriminatory-equity-ideology based school discipline." Why is DEI so controversial? But that is for another day.

But what I REALLY don't like about all of this, is this word, "discipline." Such a harsh word and that is not what I want my kids to experience in the school system. For many reasons, but mainly because IT DOESN'T WORK!!! How do we get kids to listen? To follow rules? To stop having such "bad behavior"?

In the show I was binging, the adults starting talking about being more disciplinary with the child to try to get him to talk and then used "treats" to get him to do things, which was cigarettes in the show, obviously a no-no, but again-it's comedy. Instead of disciplining children without understanding where their behaviors are coming from, let's learn how to set boundaries, how to communicate, how to empathize with our community. Which then made me think of this conversation I had with my dad about my parenting (after I continued to annoyingly call him out on outdated techniques we don't do- yes I try to control everything.. I am working on it).

He made the comment that "new parents always have the newest/best technique" and I have heard this before but this time I asked him 'why?'

And he talked about social changes, learning new information, etc.

But then that eventually led me to asking him, "what was the expectation for you as a child" and he said "for kids to be seen and not heard." I asked, "did you like that?" And he said, "of course, not."

I continued to lead him through my way of thinking and said, "and is that how you raised me and my sister?" He was shocked I would even ask because we definitely were NOT raised that way. But it became a conversation of how our parents did the best they could, we learn from that, then we turn around and do the best we can. And it is getting better and better. Today, so many more people can feel feelings safely and continue to feel loved through the hard emotions too! But not everyone has gone down that path.

Plus, active parenting is hard. Disciplining is easy. But disciplining doesn't create thought-provoking, world changers. Discipline doesn't make those feelings that brought up those behaviors go away. And discipline definitely will not create a safer place for students.

The whole episode where the child was not speaking and the adults were jumping through hoops trying to get him too, I just kept thinking, come on, follow his lead! He is a kid in a post-apocalyptic world! He hasn't spoken to anyone in years and missed out on huge developmental milestones thinking he was the only one alive (which really isn't a concept for a 5-year-old to understand) but not speaking isn't a big deal to him. It wasn't until the end of the episode, that one of the adults gets the kid laughing by playing in an abandoned cop car with the sirens and lights. It wasn't about making him speak or obey, it was about forming a genuine attachment with him and creating that connection.

Instead of discipling kids, create boundaries, expectations, and respect for each other. Figure out where those behaviors are coming from and how you can support them by releasing that energy into something safe and having the ability to still being heard. If a child keeps getting told not to hit and they get "disciplined," it only stops them from hitting in front of you. Instead you should teach them WHY they shouldn't hit, different ways to communicate their needs and keep working on those alternatives. To really get your point across you should use this moment to work on empathy by having conversations of what it feels like to be hit. Did our friend get upset? Do we like feeling upset?

The other problem I have with the word "discipline" is when do people stop getting disciplined? When does the child become the person to discipline others? How is that a world we want to live in? Let's live in a world where we work together through those hard feelings and tough days, where we learn from each other's backgrounds and identities, and where we grow together to create a community we can be proud of.

Instead of discipline, I want to suggest the word "consequence." Our actions all have consequences, some natural and some not natural. If a child runs over and hits another child, there will be a conversation and a consequence. A natural consequence might be that that friend doesn't want to play with them anymore and a not natural consequence might be that we need to take a break and figure out why the child is dysregulated.

Instead of concentrating on how we can make a child obey the teacher or parent, let's work together to create a healthy living situation we can all be a part of. Creating boundaries is important and falls more on the adult in a house, but that can still be something explained to a child to support them and model. What is most important about boundary setting, and to close off this blog post, is that boundaries you set, should also work for the child AND we should also be respectful of your child's boundaries.

For example, if you tell a child you don't want them to interrupt you while you're talking to someone, you should also respect their conversations as well. If you don't want a child to yell, then you should try your best to not yell or atleast explain why you yelled in that moment.

Inclusion starts with you and I just want to help.

Kayla Co.

P.S. Here is one of my favorite books about consent/boundaries that everyone needs to read.