Sharing Is Not Caring—And Other Inclusive Parenting Truths

If you are here, you know that inclusive education is the goal. But some of my practices might seem a little strange to people. I stand by these practices. I do not make my children say sorry, I do not make them share, and I do not make them do an activity when they say no. Let me go over all of the practices and tools we use instead to Raise Inclusive Kids.

Saying sorry 

When our kids do something like hit or yell or say something unkind to each other, we instead focus on empathy, compromising, and problem solving.

First, we figure out together, what they are trying to communicate.

"Did you hit them because they took your toy? Yeah, that is really frustrating. Hmmm, what is a better way we could have told them we didn't like that?" Then I count to 10 in my head to let the child think about the question, even if they don't answer, it is important to give them space to reflect.

Then we reflect on how our behavior made the other person feel. "I see your friend Is crying. They must be feeling sad. Let's check in with them and make sure they are ok." Sometimes I prompt them with "Are you ok?"

Of course we do say "sorry" after certain incidents but we NEVER say sorry without a plan of how we will be changing our actions to show that we really are apologetic and will take active steps to show we're sorry.

Plus, when we do check in after the kids ask, “are you ok?” and a lot of times they do end up saying sorry. But we don’t end it at sorry or checking in. Now we walk them through the safer way of communicating our needs and walk through all of the emotions and compromising together.

Finding compromises or solutions together can be really challenging if the adult has never had practice working on these tools, but trying to reflect on what you would want in this situation or what your child needs, even if that might be really frustrating for the other child, it is important to work on fair communication then letting the "easier" kid lose something because you know you won't get a big emotion out of it.

These strategies do take time but I can tell you already my two young kids require very little prompting to check in and care about each other. This builds so much more empathy for each other and problem solving. 

Sharing 

Now sharing rules change depending on the location and people we are with. Here are some expectations I share with my children before we have playdates.

What we need to stop doing is saying "you have to share!"

Why is this not helpful? Because it doesn't explain to kids what sharing is or why we do it. If kids keep getting told to share with a sibling, all they are learning is that when they are told to "share" they lose their toy. Which is not what sharing is.

Instead, explain how we take turns, put on a timer for 2 minutes to take turns with an activity, better yet-sit down with the kids and teach them how to play all together with toys!

Making sure to talk about when sharing happens and how fun it can be to share is so important and children watch us. Make sure you show them how to share. But the bottom line, is if my kids don't want to share something, that is fine. It might upset the other child and the natural consequence of a child not wanting to play with them afterwards or being sad is OK.

We also have toys that are labeled as “special toys” which are off-limits for others to play with. These are toys that are usually their favorite toys but there is a cap. They get to have about 3 toys that are toys they don't want to share. I think this is important as I know I personally have things that I don't share with my kids, so it only makes sense that they have important items to them too.

Lastly, doing something they don’t want to do. 

It is so important for kids to know as soon as possible how important their communication is. The second I child can say no or can show non-verbal communication that they don't want to do something, I show them how important their "no" is.

For example, sitting on Santa's lap is something I would never make them do. Even if we waited in line and got to the front and then they got scared. I happily will sit with my kids next to "Santa Claus" if the picture is something we think would be a good experience. But if they cried even near him, then we wouldn't do it. And really, I would just take the picture. This is also another experience to remember and next time you do something that makes you nervous, talk it through with your kid.

Ask them what you should do. Sometimes you will get better responses and reflection when they aren't the ones having to "perform."

Now that being said, I give them as much information about the activity to prepare them for what to expect. Depending on the activity, I will explain how they are safe, or I will be there with them, and I may also explain that sometimes we can feel nervous before we do something new but those feelings are normal and it might be really fun!

I am also a big fan of saying, "let's try it and if we don't like it, we don't have to do it again."

I will forever be that safe person for my kids and that takes constantly working on our relationship, which means- I listen when they say no or when they don't want to do something and we work through it together. If you have a specific challenge right now, drop it below, or message me @inclusionstartsnow and I can give you some specific tips!

Kayla Co.

Inclusion starts with you and I just want to help.