Chapter 4 Raise Inclusive Kids Part 2

A-B-C charts

My favorite tool to support ME while supporting kids with dysregulated behaviors is the trusty A-B-C chart (pictured below). What I love about these charts is that it is simple and trains your brain on how to spot pre-cursors that you might not have noticed before. It might feel like an extra step to do when everyone is dysregulated and fighting their way through, but as soon as you can, sit down, and fill this form out. Let’s go over each letter.

‘A’ stands for antecedent, which means an event that happened before. Seriously write down anything that comes to mind. Notice what was happening around your child, possibly in their line of vision, what sounds were happening, any sudden changes, etc. To note, you are also writing down the time and date and I recommend you write down the time the behavior started and ended. Just like with babies crying, it feels like it is so much longer than what it actually is. But the antecedent is the most important column on this chart as it is the one our brains seem to miss the most. But once we know what the pre-cursor is, we can then support our kids so they don’t end up having the behavior we are trying to avoid.

The ‘B’ stands for behavior. Again, knowing the duration of the behavior is important. Writing down as much as you can about each behavior they did. Did your kid keep looking at something specific in between screams, did they run over and hit something, did they say they hated something and closed their eyes. When we see the entire situation written out in front of us, we have a better opportunity to really get an idea of what is going on. This is why so many influencers recommend journaling. When you have to take the time to write something out, you start reflecting more on the entire situation and the facts of what happened, not just the heightened fear you felt.

Lastly, ‘C’ is consequence. What happened after the behavior. What regulated the kid after their behavior. Did they come down on their own or did someone say something that snapped them out of it? Did they need space or did they need a hug? Did they need to physically get their anger out or emotionally express their frustrations? Every kid and every experience can look different. But tracking what is happening before, during, and after can really train your brain on what to look for.

When you start tracking behaviors throughout the day you might start noticing after meal times your kid is tired and can’t handle a lot of demands or requests. If you really, really, really don’t want to write something down (even though I promise it will make your support for your kids so much easier), you can also ask yourself these questions when a behavior is starting.

What was the last thing that happened before this behavior started?

How were they feeling right before the behavior started?

Any changes in the environment (smell, sound, lights, sudden movements, etc.)?

            Now that you know about what triggered the behavior, you can now plan for next time. This practice helps you learn to look for the pre-cursors and respond better the next time. Maybe you start noticing your kid starts getting louder before the big behavior. Take a breath, give them a way out or a dysregulation tool like blowing out the candle (which is your hand), and support them through their frustration before it escalates. Being aware of what is triggering the behavior will help you support them. This practice in turn will give them the tools to support their friends and themselves in future emotional moments. Then, move on. No need to make people feel bad about being dysregulated. Once they are regulated, talk about a plan for next time, and then move on. Take a break if you need time to move on.

Treat dysregulated behaviors like you are on fire

For how often I learned about what to do when I was on fire, I really thought that I would be on fire more often growing up. Thankfully, that is not the case, however the practice of “stop, drop, & roll” has been extremely helpful when supporting students through dysregulated behaviors.

First step, stop. Stop whatever you are doing. The second a person is feeling dysregulated, their ability to hear your rational voice has been thrown out the window. Stop giving demands or requests. Stop physically getting them to move. Stop whatever you can control. Then drop down to their eye level, if it is safe. Let’s pause here for a second and think about how tall we are to our kids. They constantly have to look up towards us and they are usually getting told what to do. Dropping down to their level, even sitting on the floor, is giving them access to you and you are showing them respect by meeting them where they are at. Lastly, roll. Roll with the emotion or behavior they are experiencing. It is like the practice I discussed before from The Whole-Brain Child. To emotionally connect with the child, you need to show them how you can understand what they are feeling.

My youngest is very passionate and has big feeling that can come on quickly. When he is upset because he can’t have more candy, he will go from 0 to 100 and start screaming, crying, and hitting. I will stop giving him any sort of comments or commands, and I will drop down onto the floor so he can come sit with me if he wants. If he leaves the room, I will follow him and sit next to him. If I had a kid who wanted space, of course I would give that to them too, but my guy does not want space. Once he gets onto my lap he usually keeps crying and saying, “I sad. I sad.” And once he starts to regulate a little bit, I will repeat it to him. I will say something like, “You’re feeling sad. You want candy and I said no. That’s hard.” You might think, “OMG, why did you just remind him about the candy!?” From my experience, kids get angrier when they don’t think you understand why they are mad. Sometimes our conversation sounds like this:

Me: “You’re feeling sad.”

Toddler: Starts crying louder

Me: “You said you wanted candy, right?”

Toddler: “YES!”

Me: “And I said, not right now. We can have some more tomorrow.”

Toddler: Continues crying, but softer

Me: “Do you want to get a cheese stick or a crunchy apple?”

Toddler: Doesn’t choose

Me: “Let me know when you’re ready to make a choice or if you want mama to.”

How frustrating would it be for you if your partner didn’t take out the trash after you asked them to and they come back into the room and you are quiet, not talking to them. And they say, “what’s wrong?” In my head, all I am thinking about is the trash and now you are confused why I am mad? I despise when people ignore my feelings or tell me that my feelings aren’t necessary in the moment. So, why would I do that to a kid?

Read the rest of part 2 on ko-fi here.